Thursday, March 26, 2009


America is the land of cultural diversity, opportunity, liberty, justice, free thought, political correctness, sports, music, television, movies, fast-food results, and of course, the most competent and ethical leaders in the world.

Despite these successes as a nation, a greater challenge than communism, terrorism, and gay marriage threatens the fabric of our society: our work ethic. We live in a country where if a person works hard enough he can do virtually anything he wants and that is exactly where the problem lies.

Americans simply work too much. Laziness is supposed to be an epidemic, but with such low unemployment rates, the USA is only running a temperature of about 98.7°F. Take a look at all the countries in Africa who are so much further ahead of us in poverty and unemployment. We can’t allow people that we forced into slavery to be less successful than we are; we need to out-lazy them. What incentive do we have to work when that means we have to help other people? The United States even has a lower unemployment rate than quasi-communist China, a country whose economic structure is based upon forcing its citizens to go to work. If we allow even the communists to beat us at our own game, we have allowed for the Karl Marx’s, Joseph Stalin’s and Tucker Good’s of the world to succeed. (Editors note: Tucker Good was one of my best friends in high school. I call him a communist because for a different assignment in Gregorio's class he argued that communism could still work despite the failings of the Soviet Union model. I think I just effectively killed both his and my political careers.) (Special Recession Editors note: America's unemployment was below China at the time this paper was written, the recession has caused America's unemployment to exceed China.)

Joseph Stalin, Tucker Good and Karl Marx: The Enemies of Freedom

Speaking of my friend Tucker Good, the master procrastinator, when Americans actually do work they should blow it off until the last minute. Procrastination is an important skill to develop in order to succeed in life. If you find yourself having to do something, make sure you do everything enjoyable first and then do a last minute job on your English essay on a Sunday night. The President is setting a great example for us. Granted, we could pull out of Iraq now, saving thousands of lives but why should we when we have so many better things to do like clearing brush off our ranches in Texas or shooting 80-year-old men in the face?

There’s not enough “intellectual laziness” in existence today. Lady Liberty still has her children taking AP classes, Wal-Mart (a store that should be supporting laziness with its one-stop-buys-all shopping style) still sells thousands of books, and journalists keep asking questions about WMDs and reasons for war. (Thank God we have Fox News). This kind of stimulation of the brain is unhealthy and leads to new ideas that spawn even more work for this country yet again. If people continue to think as much as they do now, they will quit obeying their corporate overlords, start going to college to become brainwashed by liberal agenda pushing professors, and worst of all, Republicans will stop getting elected. I typically don’t advocate the advice of liberals like Timothy Leary but maybe for once America should listen and “turn on, tune out, and drop out.” At least that way, they will all be too stoned to think about anything except for when the next episode of Spongebob Squarepants is on.

Spongebob Squarepants: Totally Tripping with Timothy Leary on a TV near you.

Laziness is the mother of invention. If people weren’t too lazy to do certain mundane tasks, we wouldn’t have all of the tools we have today. We have robotic vacuums so you don’t have clean up all the Doritos you dropped on the floor while you were watching TV. We have escalators so that you don’t have to move those appendages attached to you called legs. Flip through any SkyMall magazine and you’ll find sloth at its finest. Computers and the Internet have made so many aspects of life effortless, such as sending pictures to friends, “writing essays,” finding directions on Mapquest, and even instant messaging your favorite congressional page. However, the most important tool for the success of this country is television. It raises our kids for us, feeds their addiction, and allows them to escape reality, which has a well-known secular-progressive bias. Instead they receive their consumerist orders from advertisements, which feed the beast of Television. Television is the key to perpetuating our laziness thus manipulating our citizens and maintaining our country’s beautiful McPhysique.

The McPhysique: America the way God intended.

So wake America! Then roll over and fall back asleep into your Monday morning stupor. It’s time to stop thinking and just doing. Even doing is too active. Let’s quit trying to be things we aren’t. No more being active, intelligent, or productive. We need to be a little more passive than that. America should simply “Be.”