Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Trial of Jesus by Judge Mental: Christ Against Humanity

All rise for me, The Honorable Judge Mental! I have reached a verdict on the defendant, Jesus H. Christ, for his crimes against humanity, namely, creating it.

Almighty then, "judge not, lest ye be judged!" What an infuriating paradox! Just because I'm a hypocrite doesn't mean I'm wrong, Christ. Thanks for existence but I can't sit around waiting another millennia for you to dish out punishment to the morons making life miserable. Besides, this Book of Revelations bluff is a crock of it!

If anyone else threatened revenge with such sorcery, we'd try them for witchcraft and wizardry. Here's to finding this Harry Potter prat, he acts like he's the next… well, you know who!

I'm just mad you died for people who think they're pious because they pretend like they don't judge everyone. 

When somebody says, "I'll pray for you," I know they're really telling me I'm going to hell until I agree with them. "Turn the other cheek," my ass! I'm not going to be bullied. Passive-aggression is still aggression, you know. How the hell could you create such an annoying species?

It's unhealthy! Each group has their own day for getting together to bad-mouth to your many forms. Muslims have Friday, Jews have Saturday and Christians have Sunday. All to read a revenge story promising heaven for killing infidels who don't believe their testament. You never rest a bit, do yah, Yahweh?

It's not just Semitic religions. Buddha, whoever the hell that is, said holding onto anger was like holding hot coals intending to throw it at someone. It burned me when atheist hipster Jack Kerouac used Eastern religion to call getting blackout drunk a "spiritual experience." Then he made a bad pun of your Beatitudes, pretended like he never started the "Beat Generation" and called himself a Catholic!

Don't get me wrong, God's been pretty good to me. He's given me almost everything I ever wanted, but claiming these people can strive for perfection might prove His creative impotence. In my courtroom, we don't stone people to death but I'll be damned if I'm going to let some Bethlehem-born, commie-pacifist say I have to put up with Osama bin Laden. Just 'cause I think dirty thoughts doesn't mean I can't judge a murderer! It was nice of you to stop those jerks from stoning that adulteress, Jesus, but if you're truly the one without sin, you could have totally gotten your rocks off.

"Everybody must get..."
Bob... you're not helping!
Even so, you can't pretend like you didn't make this mess! Thanks to you, we suffer through self-righteous stupidity of all styles, even without religion. If you haven't joined the latest book cult, seen a certain indie-chic movie, or listened to a different kind of death-metal-dubstep than the next person, somehow you're less of a human being. Why the hell didn't you say hypocritical humans would make life so insufferable? I should throw the whole Good Book at you. Have you seen the show the kids watch called Jersey Shore? If these people are the "salt of the earth," it's sodium content, not sodomy, you should have warned us about.

Isn't suffering what you supposedly did for us? I thought we could just pray it away but I won't get peace 'til these buffoons die slowly. Then, when I die, You forbid, I'll have to put up with them all over again in Heaven! 

For creating this inescapable hell, I sentence you to life in prison, Mr. Christ. I ain't falling for that martyr-miracle-madness with the death penalty you deserve! I'm God in this courtroom and Judgment Day is today. It's back to the cave you came from and time to contemplate your wicked creation! Let me cast the first stone, you started it!