Saturday, March 24, 2012

Phantom of the iPhone: Apple presents iPod: The Musical!

After learning non-fiction theater means lying through your teeth, Apple Inc. plans to take a gigabyte out of Broadway with iPod: The Musical!
When Mike Daisey eats, it's always a gigabyte.
Inspired by Mike Daisey's one-man-show, The Agony and Ecstasy of Steve Jobs, the multinational company announced it plans to promote the show's summer premiere at Tiananmen Square.

The late Steve Jobs conceived the story, which outlines the life of assemblyman Mao Tse Sung, during an LSD trip in 2011. Jobs' Apple co-founder, Steve Wozniak said, "the musical really shows Steve's spiritual side and highlights how Buddhism influenced his business practices."

Sung, a 25-year-old soul living in a 13-year-old's body, does his dharma--12 hours a day, six days a week--fitting hard-drives into iPods. He dreams to reincarnate as an American owner of the MP3 player.
Like music, mindless repetition is essential to working at Apple's Foxconn factory.
One night, Sung discovers a first-generation iPod with the "sad iPod" error. Sent back after an expired warranty, the device is doomed to destruction. Sung's boss orders to obliterate the piece of planned obsolescence. Having sympathized with the machine, Sung saves the gadget from the garbage. He soliloquizes "iPod or not iPod? That is the question!"

"Alas poor iPod! I knew him..."
Sung gives the sad iPod the only western name he knows, Steve. He resolves to restore his electronic companion but karma can be a glitch. After he fixes his friend, his subtle singing of state-forbidden songs raises supervisors' suspicions of his slowed productivity.

Foxconn nets a large profit.
The playbill includes "I Feel Pretty (Busy Making Macs)," "My Favorite Things to Build," and "If I Were Rich Man, I'd Be Steve Jobs." The songs are so inspired that, in accordance with U.S. copyright law, they're illegal to perform in America. To save on royalties, U2's Bono contributes original songs for the Broadway staging, including "With or With iTunes" and "Where the Streets Have No Apple Stores."
Bono's music makes anyone want to jump off a roof.
Sung's singing slows assembly line speeds so much that his mother, Mao Tse Right-Click, loses her arm in a conveyor belt working on the old Macintosh line that runs to prevent old people revolution. Subsequently, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" makes an appearance as an Apple silhouette dance number on the assembly line.

When Sung plans a strike for workers rights, he begins to get followed by the Phantom of the iPhone, a 3G smartphone with a cracked screen. With a warranty for the Wicked Glitch of the West's arrest, the Phantom brings Sung and Steve to the Wizard of Pods. The iPhone receives his reward, a free upgrade to 4S with a renewal of his AT&T subscription.
 Even the Wizard's best bounty hunter is still a slave to yearly contracts.
Benevolent Apple forgives the bandits for their disobedience. But in an event unrelated to their transgressions against the state, they die two days later in an factory explosion caused by combustible iPad polish dust.

Despite death, the story ends happily. Steve becomes components in Bill Gates's Gateway computer, still fixing Windows 7 bugs. As for Mao Tse Sung, he reincarnates as an apple orchard worker, Gabe Garcia Márquez, listening to "Anything Goes" on his iPod Shuffle.