Thursday, April 26, 2012

Tech-No-Logical: Why I Wish I Were A Cowboy

I want to die of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, not on a floppy disc but in the real world. At least in the old days I could pass away in peace with no fear of pictures of my disinterred body getting spread all over Facebook.

No email, no blogs, no 24-hour-hyperventilating-mass-media dissecting how I died and whose fault it is, just immortalization by the good ol’ Gutenberg Press. By the time the Pony Express would get back to Pennsyltucky, they’ll think I’d died saving babies from being eaten by bears or hipsters out in Portland.

Ever since Edison invented the light bulb, we've been staring into screens. The invention that was supposed to help us see is making us go blind. That’s why we ain’t got no heroes today; we do nothing and when someone does do something we document every mistake they make.

Shoot, Johnny Cash could make a song about killing a man in Reno and ain’t no police chased him for nothin’ but pills. Bank robbing and train thieving could be quite the thrill. Thanks a lot, security cameras.
Instead, all kids do is steal music online and complain about delayed der train is on Twitter. These twits don’t understand how great a cowboy I’d be. Sure, all I’d do is herd cattle all day but that’d be better than this mess of modern technology. Hulu? YouTube? The only words I’d need to know are “moo, moo.” Besides, the book’s always better than the movie.
Suck it, Spielberg!
We’re overloaded with so much information that we need to spoon-feed even the shortest of stories. If we need Lance Armstrong’s wristbands to symbolize our disgust for cancer, I suggest we get the training wheels for these technological tools.
BibleWheel apparently likes my metaphor too, though I'm not sure I follow theirs.
Modern men always ruin good things. The bicycle was a perfect fix for the horse’s fuel and pollution problem but we mucked it up with cars. While we’re talking about transportation, I’d like to see the guy who invented the tricycle kick the guy who invented the Segway’s ass.

We’ve wasted so much time making things that were supposed to save us time. Instead, we’re slaves to the snooze button on our alarm clock, punching in time clocks when we should be punching Texas cattle. Now I ain't saying we need to go back to using morse code or nothing, but I bet Alexander Graham Bell woulda thought twice about the telephone if he knew his momma was gonna talk to him on it for hours.
Excuse me, Mom. I have to go. 
My followers are waiting for me to tweet about this. 
Was the telegram as annoying as these radioactive text messages? Did Honest Abe send annoying invitations to his generals about his latest poetry reading?

No, when Abraham Lincoln had something cool to say he showed up like a boss on a horse or steam engine or steam-engine horse with a cannon on its back to tell soldiers to shoot somebody for their country or God or some other abstract moral principle like not being a jerk or slaveholder. Ain’t no simpler lesson than a Smith and Wesson.
Now let's turn these Confederates into confetti! Seriously, no one likes my poetic puns? 
Simple, straightforward communication -- is that so tough today? The typewriter may be arduous but at least it made morons think before they told us about their breakfast or how much homework they have. Give me a home where the buffalo roam, not cell phones out of their network. None of this high-fangled Lil Wayne synthesizer nonsense mucking up all my air, just the sound of my own voice singing folk songs louder than anyone else. So as you stare into the screen pretending to forage through the faux-frontier, wondering how many hours of your life you've wasted. You should ask yourself, "Do you feel lucky? Well, computer junk?"